She gave up custody -- and now misses kids

DEAR AMY: I was married for 10 years and have two beautiful boys with my ex-husband. We split up about five years ago, and I gave him custody of the kids because he was stalking me and obsessed with me and would not leave me alone. He is good to the kids, and I needed time to myself to get over the 10 years of punishment of living with him. I see now that it was a big mistake. He took the kids and moved away. He does not say good things about me to the kids. I call every weekend to talk to the boys. They will talk to me, but he won't pick up the phone or talk to me. He says that when we talk, all we do is fight. This is basically true.

I asked him if he would send the kids to visit me. I said I would pay half of the expenses so the kids could see my family and me. He refuses. He says he thinks I'm going to run off with the children. He says he doesn't mind my going to where they live to see them, but my family wants to see them, too. The boys are almost old enough to make their own decisions (they are 14 and 15). A lawyer told me that since the kids live with their dad, I have to settle things in court. I miss them so much and just want them to visit me here. Should I go to visit? Or should I wait until they are old enough to make their own decisions?Miss My Kids!

DEAR MISS: Fighting with your ex-husband while you wait for the kids to age out of the household is no solution. You should visit your children. Take a family member with you.

You either received no (or very poor) legal advice when you gave up all your parental rights to the children.

Your ex-husband is the custodial parent. When you relinquished custody you basically turned over those decisions to him. His proposal for you to visit sounds sensible.

After you visit the boys, you will be in a better position to judge what would be in their best interest.