Should grieving dad let kids see him cry?

DEAR AMY: I am (now) a single dad of three teens, ages 13, 14 and 16. Their mom died suddenly last winter. On the surface, the kids seem to be handling it. They tell me they are all right, but I feel they are trying to protect me, because whenever I try to talk to them about their mother, I break down crying. Should I continue to press the issue or leave it alone for now? Am I doing them harm by showing my emotions?Shattered Dad

DEAR SHATTERED: Even though it can be shocking for a child to see a parent break down, what you are actually demonstrating is that it is OK to cry, certainly when you have something very real and potent to cry about. However, it's also important for your kids to see you start to heal.

Each member of your family will express this loss differently. One child might shut down, while another would get anxious, angry, or simply want to flee. Deal with your children individually to gain insight about how each is doing -- through everyday activities -- not always prompting them to discuss this painful topic.

Be gentle with yourself and your loved ones, get help when you need it, and have caring people in your corner. If possible, attend a grief support group with your kids.

If you can't persuade your children to participate, attend these sessions (or private sessions with a therapist) on your own. You also will be demonstrating to your children the benefit of seeking outside help when they need it.

The best part about displaying your authentic feelings in front of your children is that, through time, they will see you start to recover. They will be part of this process, and if you huddle and muddle through this more or less together, your family relationship could strengthen in positive ways.

A book you should have at your house is "The Grieving Teen: A Guide for Teenagers and Their Friends," by Helen Fitzgerald (2000, Touchstone).