Should 'hypocrite' charge stick?

DEAR AMY: We have a rude and obnoxious in-law. We only see him at family gatherings. My siblings and I are pleasant and nonaggressive toward him out of respect for the older generation. However, among ourselves we let our feelings be known. Recently, when we were all gathered for granddad's birthday, I complimented this man about his children; they are both preschoolers and sweet, lovely children. My teenage daughter told me I'm a hypocrite. Am I?

Perplexed

DEAR PERPLEXED: The good news is that your teenage daughter has been listening.

This is also the bad news, by the way, because what she has been hearing is some private carping about a family member.

In her mind, she sees you behaving one way toward this person when you are with him and another way when he isn't present. Teens have a highly developed awareness of gossip and hypocrisy; they also enjoy correcting their parents.

Apologize to your daughter for exposing her to negative views about this family member. Also tell her that it is kind and generous to compliment children who are lovely, regardless of your opinion of the parent.

DEAR AMY: I cannot let "Virginia" sit alone as she cries in the wilderness about her husband's choice to attend a bachelor party! Virginia is confident enough to express her concerns regarding indecent behavior and courageous enough to hold another adult accountable for his behavior. Why not encourage her to use the opportunity to discuss with her husband appropriate behavior for celebrating an impending marriage?Old-Fashioned in Illinois

DEAR ILLINOIS: "Virginia" had discussed this with her husband. What she wanted to do was forbid him from attending his friend's bachelor party. I counseled that there are times when it's more important to trust than to forbid.