Should teen know sad truths about her dad?

DEAR AMY: My daughter Keri is 13. Her biological father hasn't been in her life since she was a baby. We were teens with radically different outlooks. I focused on my education and finding a job to support us. My ex dropped out of sight. He never paid child support or saw her. I struggled to finish high school and find work, and then I met a wonderful man who loves Keri as his own child. We built a wonderful life and family together. He has been her "dad" for 10 years. Keri has started asking questions about my ex, wondering what he's like and if she can meet him. We agree that she has the right to know about him. I looked up my ex, and he hasn't changed. No job, involved with drugs, unstable and violent, and he wants nothing to do with her. He isn't the type of person that my husband and I want in Keri's life. I don't want her to know how violent my ex was, or that she was conceived through rape, but I understand she has the right to have some of her questions answered. What's your opinion? Undecided Mom

DEAR UNDECIDED: Your daughter is at an age where it is natural for her to have questions about her biological family. She no doubt fantasizes about her "real dad" (like most adolescents), even though, as you know, her "real" father is the man who loves her and has helped to raise her.

You and your husband should approach this carefully, thoughtfully -- and as a family. A therapist with experience working with adolescents would help all of you to find the best way to frame this, but the goal should be for her to know the basic truth -- presented in a way that she can grasp (I don't think it's wise to tell her she was conceived through rape). You would all benefit from talking through this painful issue individually and as a family. Your daughter will grieve this abandonment, and you must be with her as she does. Your husband also should consider legally adopting your daughter.