Should their relationship be on hold?

DEAR AMY: I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for almost four years. I love him, and we are pretty happy. He is a graduate student in a nearby town. I cannot get him to talk about our future, other than to say that we will figure it out when we get to it. I'm not talking about marriage, but maybe moving in with each other. Recently I had an affair with another man. I know it meant nothing and it was a mistake. But now I am wondering: If I am willing to cheat on a man I love and care deeply about, should I create a future with him? We are only in our early 20s, and I am wondering if I am just not ready to hunker down, but at the same time, I don't want to lose the man who has become my best friend and lover. Do you have any advice?

--Upset

DEAR UPSET: I agree with your boyfriend. You will figure out your future when you get to it.

I agree that four years is a long time to date-in-place, but your choice to cheat is a disappointing and important bellwether. I suggest you take a break from your relationship while you try to figure out who you are and what you really want.

Your boyfriend is telling you that he doesn't really know where he wants your relationship to head. You two have this in common, and acknowledging this reality and telling the truth would be a good place to start your conversation.

DEAR AMY: As a recovering addict/alcoholic of more than 25 years, I was concerned by your answer to "Worried Mother." This mother was worried when she saw her alcoholic son sampling wine, even though he is in recovery. There is one answer: no drinks or drugs. Some addicts/alcoholics forget why they stopped and convince themselves they can drink responsibly. They can't, so your answer could be destructive. Sobriety is extremely difficult. It takes a lot of work. In most cases, a 12-step program is the answer.

--Jim