Showing concern short of donating an organ

DEAR AMY: One of my in-laws needs a new kidney. She will be undergoing the transplant process soon. Her family wanted me to give her one of my kidneys. My family said no to this, and so I did not get tested beyond the blood test (we are the same blood group). Now my in-laws are angry and have stopped talking to me. I'd like to know how my sick relative is doing, but I don't know what to say when I call -- or whether I should call. In the past they have said horrible things to me because I did not donate my kidney; it seems now that our long friendship is meaningless. I still care for her and her family, but how do I let them know that I am thinking about them? I know if I try to call, the woman who is getting the transplant will say nasty things to me. What should I do?

--Upset

DEAR UPSET: If donating an organ is what it takes to get in good with your in-laws, then their standards are a tad unreasonable.

I assume there are other dynamics at play, but if you are eager to reach this in-law but don't want to risk the verbal backlash, then the best way to do so is through a greeting card.

When you send a message through the mail, you lessen the opportunity for back talk.

DEAR AMY: "New Year's Baby" asked how to manage her disappointment over the fact that her in-laws don't celebrate her birthday, which coincides with the holiday season. I suggest she celebrate her birthday at the halfway point in the summer. People are generally more relaxed and the weather's usually better. She can really make her "half-birthday" fun and lively instead of obligatory and pressured. As a teacher, I do this all the time for my students who miss celebrations with their classmates due to summer birthdays.

--Been There

DEAR BEEN THERE: This is a great suggestion.