Single File: Stingy people don't give of themselves either

DEAR SUSAN: I'm not averse to pulling my own weight. I've asked guys out, and I've paid for dates. But here is what I know: People who are generous offer to pay or split the cost. Men who are most adamant that women pay their share are often pretending to favor equality while hiding a cheap, ungenerous nature. The men who have enough money to pay and aren't reluctant to pay are the ones who would collect your mail when you are away or give you a ride to take a key to your locked-out roommate. When asked for a favor, the penny pinchers always have an excuse.

From the "Single File" blog

DEAR BLOGGER: That's also been my experience. The stingy ones -- either gender -- just can't give of themselves. Giving their money, time or effort just isn't in their nature; they're fearful that giving would diminish them in some way -- not only financially but as a person.

It's not necessarily a money thing, although it's expressed most overtly that way. Ask women married to stingy husbands. Someone I knew -- briefly -- had the habit of keeping a thick rubber band around his wallet. Waiters would grin and stare when he paid the check, because it took so long for him to open it. So I react very carefully to reader mail grousing about women who don't pay their fair share -- and men who keep a tight leash on their wives' spending. Money is a symbol, a powerful one, and can be manipulated for good or ill by people who value it above humanity. Virginia Woolf felt women must have their own funds. Amen to that.

DEAR SUSAN: Why even bother marrying someone if you don't love the person or want to be with just that person for the rest of your life?! It may or may not work out, because you can never be sure. But still...

From the "Single File" blog

DEAR BLOGGER: Why indeed?! Still, there are other motives behind the decision to marry. (None of them healthy, all of them far from nurturing.) Traditionally, it's been lust and loneliness plus family pressure and pressure from one's own mind to hook up because it's time and no one's getting any younger. All of that can persuade 30-somethings to take marriage vows. (As Tina Turner belts out, "What's love got to do with it?") Security makes a strong case for marrying, often masquerading as true love. It seems to me that unless/until you know yourself well, the drive to marry must remain a mystery wrapped in a conundrum, not a good basis for a lifetime decision. The Deitz advice? Go slowly; take your time. Don't be rushed, by your own needs or by outside voices. Whose life is it anyway?