Sis-in-law imposes on anniversary

DEAR AMY: My husband's older sister visits for overnight stays a few times a year. She has never married and has no children. About seven years ago, she started inviting herself for Christmas. She stays for several days. Our wedding anniversary is two days after Christmas. She gets upset if my husband wants to spend time with me on that day. For the past seven years we haven't celebrated our anniversary. This year is our 20th, and my husband promised me we would celebrate alone. She says she needs a knee replacement and found a doctor near our town whom she likes. I've offered to help with her post-op care. She just told us she scheduled it for Dec. 21, and will need 10 days' care. In any other circumstance, I would have no problem rising to the occasion. I should point out that she is often mean to me; she seems to dislike each of her siblings' spouses. I know my husband feels stuck in the middle, but our marriage has suffered because of this situation and his reluctance to stand up to her.

--Harried Spouse

DEAR HARRIED: Your husband can't stand up to his sister. You won't stand up to her. The two of you would do better if you had a plan. You need to take care of yourselves, each other and your relationship. Work with your husband. Decide what works best. Do you really want to devote your Christmas to nursing her after her knee surgery? No. And so you tell her that the pre-Christmas date will not work.

Do you really want to celebrate your 20th anniversary with your husband? Yes. And so you say, "Joe and I have plans for our 20th anniversary so we won't be home that night." Write out these simple statements. Call her and put her on speakerphone so you can both speak with her.

Tell her what would work best for you. Don't budge. She'll have to learn to work around you.