Slimmed-down widower wants thin dates

DEAR AMY: After 30 years of a wonderful marriage, I was widowed at the age of 51.

At 54, I now feel I am ready to swim in the dating pool again and have dipped my toes in several dating sites to try to find someone to date. My issue is that I used to be quite obese, and since my wife's death, I have shed 135 pounds and gotten my life back. Most of the responses I have gotten are from ladies 10 years either way of my age and from ladies the size I used to be. My profile is very specific about my eating and exercise habits. I always answer any response I get, and I am always polite and try to let these women know that I am not interested in dating a large woman. I have lived that lifestyle and do not want to go back. I get a lot of hateful and abusive responses! I know that we should each look to the person inside, but if there is no initial attraction, there is no initial attraction. Is it kinder to leave the ladies wondering or to let them know there is no way a relationship could develop?New to DatingDEAR NEW: For an expert's opinion on this, I shared your letter with Bela Gandhi, a dating "coach" and founder of Smart Dating Academy in Chicago (smartdatingacademy .com).

She says, "The rules are totally different in online dating. 'No response' is the right thing to do when you're not interested -- it's the polite way of saying, 'No thanks!' It's much more humane. Who wants to wake up to an in-box full of detailed rejection notes?

"Online dating is a whole new world, where anyone can contact anyone -- and you're competing against millions of men. Make sure your photos are current and show you at your best: well dressed and smiling, with head shots and body shots.

"Also, make sure your online profile essays reflect interesting and fun specifics about yourself -- not just eating and exercise habits."