Stop short of reviving toxic relationship

DEAR AMY: "Mary" and I met in grade school, and over the course of 30 years were off-and-on-again best friends. A few years ago, I finally had had enough of her games and increasingly toxic ego, and slowly let our relationship fade into history. Even though we live less than 20 miles from each other, we have not spoken in five years. Last week, I got a call from her brother (whom she disowned a few years ago), who told me that due to an acute illness, Mary was in the hospital, unresponsive and on life support, and was not expected to survive unless she had an organ transplant. Fortunately, an organ became available, and her life was saved (thank God for organ donors!). Her brother suggests I visit her in the hospital or call her. Although I am very glad that her life was saved, I have absolutely no interest in starting a relationship with this woman again (I know from her brother that she is still as toxic as ever). Should I write her a note, visit or do nothing?What to Do About Mary?

DEAR WHAT TO DO: A person's successful recovery from a life-threatening illness is something to cheer, but this doesn't mean you should revive a toxic relationship. If you need to make amends, then do so. If you need to forgive, then do that.

In the meantime, reach out -- simply as one human being to another.

I suggest sending a card or note.

In it you say, "Mary, your brother has kept me updated on your medical struggle. I am happy to learn that your condition seems to be improving and will continue to send healing thoughts your way." This is a kind, respectful and neutral expression of good will. If, as time passes, you find yourself drawn in and manipulated by her, you'll have to back off yet again. However, this brush with mortality might have changed her. At least, that's how it works in the movies.