Stormy family history threatens her shower

DEAR AMY: My parents separated when I was in high school and had an ugly divorce. I didn't speak to my father for three years, although he continued to pay for my education, car and cellphone. He pays alimony and child support for my teenage brother. He refused to attend counseling with my mother and didn't make the time to talk through things with my siblings and me for a while. I recently became engaged, and we are buying a house. I wanted to have a housewarming shower in lieu of a bridal shower. The big issue is my parents. They are both in serious relationships. Even though my mother has been with her boyfriend for a year and a half, she caused a huge scene at my brother's high school games because my father's girlfriend showed up and this was her "mommy time." (This is not the woman who split up the marriage.) My fiance's mother is pushing us to invite the "significant others" because her parents went through something similar. She says my folks need to do this in preparation for the wedding. My mom flat-out refused to show up if the girlfriend attended the shower. I'm terrified about what might happen with both sides of the family there. Any advice?

--Anxious Bride

DEAR ANXIOUS: I agree with your future mother-in-law. Now that you are an adult, your mother doesn't get to claim proprietary "mommy time" with you. She simply has no right to dictate who can be a guest in your home. The sooner you establish this, the better for all of you.

A smaller gathering would give your mother an opportunity to learn how to cope with being in proximity with your father.

You need to demonstrate to both of your parents that you expect them to figure out how to breathe the same air for short periods. If your mother refuses to attend your housewarming party, then there is nothing you can do about it.