Stymied by partner's social anxiety

DEAR AMY: My partner and I have been living together for four years. We have a good relationship. We rarely fight or argue, and are basically compatible and for the most part happy. The one area that is a problem for us is in the social arena. My partner has social anxiety. When we attend social events together, he is extremely anxious, shy and awkward. It is painful for me to know how uncomfortable he is at these events. Consequently, I cannot relax and have a good time, either. I now turn down invitations because these events are so distressing for him. We have discussed anti-anxiety medication, but he is opposed to it because of the sexual side effects. I can't say that I blame him. I am not a social butterfly, but I do like to go to a party once in a while. I am wondering if it is OK for couples to socialize separately. If so, how would I tell the host that only I will be attending and how would I answer the inevitable queries at the event concerning the whereabouts of my partner?

--Feeling Left Out

DEAR LEFT OUT: You don't mention that either of you is a physician. While it is responsible for you to consider all options, dismissing a possible treatment because of possible side effects is putting the main course before the appetizer.

Your partner should start by seeing a physician and also a therapist, who could assess him, recommend medical and nonmedical strategies for dealing with his anxieties, and chart his progress.

Practicing in smaller groups could help him build on modest successes.

He could keep a diary to note how he feels in specific settings and then look for patterns.

There is nothing wrong with socializing alone. You could tell the host that your partner sometimes feels uncomfortable in groups. If you want to fudge, say he has other plans and sends his regrets, but emphasize that you look forward to the event.