Tackling the challenges of aging parents

DEAR AMY: My mother is 81 and has dementia (the doctors call it "mild cognitive impairment"). We've had a good relationship until recently. When I visited her and my dad in April (I live 400 miles away), I cooked great meals for them and took my mother shopping (Dad was recovering from knee surgery). On the last day, she accused me of "bossing her around" and ordering her out of her own kitchen. None of this happened and my father corroborates this. I was planning another trip this week, but my mother worked herself into a snit, rehashing the above imagined injustices. She said she was going to go to a hotel if I came and stayed with them. My father, brother and I don't know what to do. She has been to good doctors. My mother has always been a little paranoid that people were talking about her, but now it seems to have escalated and she thinks I'm favoring my dad. How do we handle this?

--Upset Daughter

DEAR UPSET: You should visit your folks to see for yourself how your father is coping. If it bothers your mother, don't stay with your parents on this visit. You'll have to step up to the challenge of not taking your mother's behavior personally. This is especially difficult because she is your mother.

Be calm, compassionate and listen. Her memory problems are creating frustrations for her. See if your folks will accept help in the home for cooking and housework while you sort out what else to do. Your local Office on Aging can connect you with people who have expertise in geriatric care.

Reconnect with your mother's physician. Research local assisted-living facilities.

Your family is embarking on the journey no one wants to take - and yet you must. There is no one answer and no easy solution. You simply have to take this in stages and do your very best to be patient, respectful and present for both of your parents.