Taxation without vexation? Dream on, pal

No, you can't deduct your TV cable bill.

Not even if you take retirement-planning advice from Suze Ormond or workplace anger-management tips from Dr. Drew. Sadly, HBO On Demand doesn't count as a nonreimbursed business expense under current IRS rules, even for sworn members of the mob who happen to enjoy "Sopranos" reruns.

The feds are rigid that way.

But here we are, facing another pay-your-taxes-or-else weekend and -- what? We're supposed to feel grateful that this year's deadline was extended to Monday, April 18? That won't be nearly enough for millions of Americans who are poring over crinkled receipts and bank statements, trying to reconstruct income and expenditures already long forgotten. It's enough to make you feel sorry for the people in Washington.

Fiscal conservatives keep saying, "If I ran my household the way the politicians run the government, I'd be in one helluva fix." Well, here's the embarrassing fact: I do, and I am. And so do millions of other Americans. We spend more than we make. We put off expenses as long as we can, then put 'em off some more. We borrow from anyone who will lend to us -- the bank, the credit-card company or the Chinese.

Short of hosting a tea party -- the angry kind -- at our kitchen tables, what exactly are we supposed to do this time of year? The same thing we always do. Pay and grumble. Grumble and pay.

And do it all again next year.

Happy Tax Weekend.

TAX THIS INSTEAD

1. Fake bombs in high school

2. Lame-duck county executives

3. Gaga-Madonna comparisons

4. Long Island reality-show pilots

5. Accounts who keep insisting, "No, you can't deduct that."

ASKED AND UNANSWERED: Craigslist Ripper? Seaside Sicko? Which nickname will be the one that sticks? ... Given the latest burst of new business, why isn't every week Long Island Restaurant Week? ... One to 4 years for convicted pay-to-player Alan Hevesi? As a former state comptroller, does he realize his max is 400 percent of his minimum? Fat spread, huh? ... In the status hierarchy of desperation thievery, is stealing manhole covers higher or lower than the previously trendy copper-wire rip-offs? ... In his matter-of-fact denial of any connection to the latest South Shore bodies, did LI serial killer Joel Rifkin sound vaguely disdainful of the other killer's clumsy craftsmanship? ... Instead of running half-empty, 60-seat school buses, why won't Long Island school districts try minibuses or vans? Would that really violate state law? ... Now that Babylon school board member Catherine Vukovich has safely resigned, will other board members face secret surveillance from unhappy parents? ... Has Nassau crossed some kind of threshold when Bloomberg Businessweek head-shakingly declares: "The Long Island county is wealthy, heavily taxed, and financially unhinged all at once"?

LONG ISLANDER OF THE WEEK: HOBO THE DOG

The MTA cops named him Hobo. Of course, they did. Humans always give goofy names to missing animals. Remember Mia, the M.I.A. (get it?) cobra snake who slithered out of view in the Bronx Zoo reptile house? Well, Hobo is a super-friendly lab-and-pit-bull mix who boarded the LIRR at Wyandanch on Tuesday night for an un-ticketed joyride - and seems to have charmed just about everyone. Once Pat Rosen of Long Island Veterinary Associates pronounced Hobo "lovely" and said he "leans in for cuddling and kissing," you knew this story was headed for a happy ending of some sort. We got the happiest kind: The cuddly dog wasn't even cited for failing to pay his fare. He was instead back with his family, enjoying a weekend safely at home, no doubt still blushing from all the compliments.

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