The dark side of a destination wedding

DEAR AMY: How can our family move forward from the mess of an overplanned, underattended wedding in Europe? The groom (in his mid-30s) has planned everything and excluded me, mother of the bride, from any of the plans. The bride's siblings can't afford (or can't get vacation days) to attend. Yesterday, the groom called our son and offered to fly him to the wedding but made no such offer for the bride's sisters. Of 200 invited guests, only 40 are expected to attend. As the bride's parents, we gave a fixed sum for the wedding but now, due to the small gathering expected, the couple will be making money on the deal. Yesterday, the groom announced that the one family friend who can attend is not invited to the rehearsal dinner, after traveling 6,000 miles. A destination wedding sounds like a good idea, but when the day nears, it feels exclusionary, hollow and pretentious. We feel so burdened by the buildup, the bad decisions, the exclusions, waste and self-centeredness of this event. How do families recover from this?

Heartbroken

DEAR HEARTBROKEN: You aptly describe the challenges when couples pour all their attention into trying to create a fantasy day while causing real-world problems.

You and your husband should meet with the couple. Do not pile on and accuse them of creating a hollow and pretentious event, but do ask that they commit some of the money you contributed to helping family members attend.

Otherwise, you should accept that this is not what you would have planned. If your daughter is completely dominated by a "groomzilla" who is demanding and disrespectful, she is going to need your support moving forward. You also may have to accept that you and she have very different values.

Although this event might rend the fabric of your family, don't make the mistake of assuming it will unravel.