'The fun grandma' undermines discipline

DEAR AMY: My husband and I have a 4-year-old daughter. My mother-in-law baby-sits her on one afternoon a week. We greatly appreciate this. Unfortunately, she insists on being "the fun grandma." The definition of this appears to be a total lack of discipline for our child, weekly toy purchases and the policy of "anything she wants, she gets." Our daughter is becoming more and more difficult to "grandma detox" after each weekly visit. Anytime we are together, my mother-in-law will go against our wishes right in front of us. For example, if our daughter asks for candy but hasn't eaten her meal and our answer is, "Not until you finish," my in-law will just hand her the candy. It's not just spoiling; we learned that grandma also allowed her to walk on ice on a frozen pond we felt was unsafe. We've tried talking to grandma many times. We've been polite, direct, specific and even angry, but she says she doesn't care what we say. The lack of discipline is a detriment to our daughter's growth. Should we allow only supervised visits?Frustrated Parents

DEAR FRUSTRATED: If a baby-sitter consistently undermined you and let your daughter do things you felt were patently unsafe, you would find another sitter. So find another regular sitter, and let grandma be grandma - but not be in charge on a regular basis.

A little "spoiling" is OK - but if she hands your daughter a lollipop when you've already said no, you will have to tell your daughter, "Grandma was mistaken. I know you heard us say you need to eat your dinner, so you must listen to Mommy and Daddy now." You'll take the lollipop from your daughter, she will cry, your mother-in-law will "tsk-tsk," someone will be sent to her room briefly, and you will wait patiently until everyone is ready to be cooperative.

In short, you and your husband will have to behave like firm, friendly and unflappable nursery school teachers, and affectionately retrain grandma.