The keys to my computer frustration

Frustrated by the smudges, guck and dirt on my computer keyboard, I finally said, “Enough!” and decided to clean it.

Cognizant of a friend’s directions — “Be careful!” — I turned off the keyboard, barely moistened a small piece of paper towel, and started cleaning each tile, gently, calmly, so that no water seeped in.

When I was done, I resumed typing a letter to a friend, but then I noticed something odd: No W appeared on my screen. I tried other keys. The number 1 and the exclamation point (same key) didn’t come up, either. I tried all of the others, and they worked.

So what to do? I forged ahead. I wrote to my friend Heather, who the week before happily informed me that she had earned her black belt in Krav Maga self-defense despite coming down with the flu.

I explained why I didn’t get back to her earlier and then offered my sympathy and good wishes: “Tried ashing my keyboard — not ise. Sorry you got sick. Get ell soon. And, congrats again on inning your Black Belt. hen I ander into a back alley, I ill call you.”

Not the smoothest response, but I plunged onward anyway. For other correspondence, I decided to avoid words that contained a W or 1 or !

I substituted “terrific” for “wonderful,” “desire” for “want.”

Instead of an exclamation point, I pasted a smiley face. And I figured out a way to use an occasional W. If I typed “ashington,” for example, spell-check would produce “Washington.” I would then delete “ashington” to leave a capital W and then finish my intended word. But I couldn’t get around 1. Intent on meeting a friend at 12:45, I wrote, “See you at a quarter of one.”

When he asked for my phone number, I began writing the area code, “5-One-6.” Not good.

Finally, I gave up. I called the Apple Store in Manhasset and spoke to Romaine, who I discovered later was actually in Ontario, Canada. For 45 minutes, Romaine patiently guided me through troubleshooting. From Ontario, he would circle things on my screen. He drew arrows. It was as if he was in the room with me, and that was scary. (I had this feeling he was going to tell me I had a peach skin stuck in my teeth.)

But in the end, nothing worked.

I thanked Romaine (I resisted making a lettuce joke) and drove over to the Apple Store in Manhasset. A nice staff member named Brian — Apple calls them “geniuses” — sat me down and heard my tale of woe.

“Here’s what we can do,” he said. “Buy another keyboard, but keep trying to use the old one.”

He then removed the W and 1 tiles.

“The keyboard might dry out after a couple of days and be functional again,” he said. “If that happens, you can return the new one.”

I thanked Brian for his assistance and returned home.

But after two days, the W and 1 and ! failed to appear on the screen. I connected my new keyboard to the computer, made sure everything worked and was back in business.

I wrote to Heather about my new keyboard, and I noticed a smudge — on the B tile. Without thinking, I got up to moisten a tissue. But then I caught myself. I’ll leave it alone. I like smudges.

Saul Schachter lives in Sea Cliff.