Thrown by unplanned pregnancy, miscarriage

DEAR AMY: My husband and I have never planned on having children. We are both in our mid-30s, and while we are financially stable and have a strong family network, we didn't think we wanted to make the sacrifices necessary to become good parents. Several months ago, I found out I was pregnant but had a miscarriage. At first I was relieved, thinking that life could return to "normal" for us and it would be the best for everyone. Now, I occasionally find myself wondering what I might have lost. Logically, I know there are many reasons not to have children: the time commitment, the expense, the fact that your life is no longer really yours, not to mention suffering through the pregnancy and labor portion of the process. Is my reaction just a normal part of the process of losing something, or should we reconsider a decision we thought we had already made?Wondering

DEAR WONDERING: The tendency to revisit these big life choices is an emotionally healthy reaction to a major life event.

The reasons you cite for not having children are all logical, but your assumption that you can return to "normal" after a miscarriage is not.

All of the logic in the world will never allow for the stuff life throws at you: job loss, illness, and natural and personal disaster.

In short, every single thing that comes down the pike will be a potential threat to your version of "normal." Do yourself a favor -- don't cling too hard to normal.

Definitely reconsider your baby plans. You and your husband should continue to talk about it, as you have done in the past.

If you conclude that your choice is based in a mutual desire to remain childless -- and not anxiety -- then march forward, secure in your decision but willing to discuss it again.