Time for this cheat to end his marriage

DEAR AMY: I've been married for 34 years but am in love with another woman (also married). We were making plans to end our marriages to be together when an anonymous letter was sent to my wife telling her of the affair. My wife begged me to stay and my children (both in their late 20s) threatened to disown me and prevent me from seeing my grandchild if I left. They say they hate me. My wife has since bad-mouthed me to family, friends, and co-workers. She has not accepted any of the responsibility for the breakdown of our marriage. We were seeing a counselor to save our marriage but I started seeing my girlfriend again and, of course, my wife was furious. I am totally in love with my girlfriend and would like to have the life with her that I have always dreamed about but have never been able to experience with my wife (affection, friendship, trust, mutual interests and true love). My girlfriend is tired of being the other woman. We can't see each other because of the house arrest I have been subjected to since being found out. I am afraid to lose my family. Any suggestions?Fence-sitter

DEAR FENCE-SITTER: It's time to stop going through the motions and start behaving like an authentic human being.

You have no intention of staying in (or working on) your marriage, so you should use your experience in counseling to mediate as peaceful a breakup as you can. Visit your kids and take responsibility for disappointing them. Say you hope they will find it in their hearts to forgive you.

It's hard to believe that you never felt friendship, affection or love toward your wife. This is an extremely painful notion for your wife (and kids) because it calls into doubt the very foundation of a long marriage.

Even as you break up, it is important not to negate or erase your marriage. Understand that leaving such a long union is the source of deep pain for your family members, and take responsibility for it.