Time to talk frankly about having kids

DEAR AMY: Three years ago when I started dating my husband, I asked him about kids and he said, "I could never have kids." Then I asked about what would happen if I got pregnant, and he said we would raise the child together. At the time having kids was not a priority for me, so I brushed it aside.

The problem is that once we got married (five months ago), I realized that having a child is a big priority for me. I knew it was wrong, but I would skip days of my birth control, eventually ceasing to take the pills at all. I knew that if we had a child, my husband would grow to love it. The problem was that, after months of this, I never conceived. A few weeks ago, I decided to broach the topic again. I discovered that my husband had a vasectomy a year before we met! He swears that he has mentioned it before, but I know he hasn't. I feel sick knowing that he kept something like this from me. I also feel trapped in my marriage knowing that it will always be just the two of us. Should I get out while I can and find a husband who wants a child, or will I outgrow this need?Desperately Seeking a Child

DEAR SEEKING: When your husband stated, "I could never have kids," it sounds like he seems to think this is the same thing as saying, "I had a vasectomy." It is not.

If he had told you outright that he'd had a vasectomy, this is not the sort of statement you would likely forget. So far your marriage is built on the flimsiest foundation, with both of you behaving dishonestly about a matter that will dictate the course of the rest of your lives.

You two desperately need to start telling the truth. Unvarnish it. Why did he have a vasectomy in the first place? Is he willing to have children now? Would he be willing to have his vasectomy reversed or adopt a child? Give yourself a reasonable timeline.

A counselor could help to mediate this conversation; total honesty about this will help both of you to decide about the future of your marriage.