Too-long absent father now wants contact

DEAR AMY: My husband's father, "Steve," left when my husband and his sister were very young and had very little contact with them throughout childhood. Steve's mother (my husband's grandmother), "Debra," did keep in touch, sending cards and attending milestone events, but protected her son when the situation warranted responsibility (such as when my husband's mother needed child support). Several years ago Debra orchestrated a reunion between Steve and my husband, but no one talked about the preceding 20 years. Since then, the kids and I visit Debra while visiting other family. Debra is very good to our kids and is hospitable when we visit. Debra always invites Steve to her home when we are there, and we spend an uncomfortable afternoon ignoring the elephant in the room. My husband rarely attends the visits because of work. Every year, Steve and Debra comment that they miss my husband. They said pointedly that my husband was due for a visit, and insisted that it was "time for him to come home." I was shocked and left with an awkward, "Um, yeah. OK." I feel we have been very generous in giving Steve any time at all, given his complete failure as a father. I don't feel like visiting ever again, but feel obligated to go. My husband is fine with me skipping the visits, and feels no obligation to either of them. The time for our yearly visit is coming up. What should I do?Torn

DEAR TORN: You should pay a call to "Debra" this year, just as you do every year. You have very generously helped your children (and her) get to know one another. Your husband seems unruffled by this situation (but then, he's coping with it by avoiding it -- just as his family members do).

When Debra and Steve inquire about your husband's absence, say, "My husband speaks for himself. If you want to see him, get in touch with him and talk to him about it."