DEAR AMY: I have been living with my boyfriend for about four years; we are both in our 50s. I don't understand why he hasn't asked me to marry him. We've talked about this several times (with me bringing up this subject). I end up getting upset because he gives no specific reason for not wanting to get married. We love each other very much and are really meant for each other, but he's just not interested in getting married. Both of us are divorced, and marriage just doesn't seem to be in the near future (or possibly at all) for us. He treats me well, but I sometimes feel used and underappreciated and feel I'm not good enough to be married to him. I feel insecure not being married; there is no commitment to anything. What should I do: be happily unmarried or look for another Mr. Right who is willing to commit (in time) to getting married? 
 --Not Good Enough? 
 DEAR NOT ENOUGH: If you could somehow force yourself to be "happily unmarried," then that would be the best choice for you, but you will not be able to pull this off, because it is not what you want in life. And what you want is every bit as important as what he wants (or doesn't want). 
 Your guy will never ask you to marry him. You may be able to manipulate or otherwise force him into a matrimonial union, but this marriage will not deliver the commitment you crave because he does not want it. When one party is reluctant or feels manipulated by an ultimatum, this tension comes up later when times get tough -- and times always get tough. 
 You crave this particular connection and commitment, and if you absolutely must have it in your life, you need to be brave enough to leave your current relationship and seek it elsewhere. There is no guarantee of marriage with anyone in your future, but you might be happier on your own. 
 DEAR AMY: My friend has started a "small business," in which she sells sex toys on behalf of a company for a commission. She is hosting events in her home, where she tries to get her friends to spend money to buy overpriced junk. I have no need for what she is selling, but she is pressuring her friends to "get her small business off the ground." How can I politely decline without telling her I think this whole venture is predatory on her friends and provides an overpriced product that I don't want to waste money on? 
 --Upset Friend 
 DEAR UPSET: It's easy to politely decline. You just say, "I won't be able to attend your party or buy these products, but good luck with your business." 
 Do not explain. Anyone selling sex toys must realize that there is a (somewhat) limited clientele for this sort of product. 
 I receive many queries from people like you who feel pressured to patronize these home-based commission businesses. I think it's time for people to realize that this business model requires people to trade on their personal relationships to build clientele. 
 If people are going to trade on their personal relationships, then they should also realize that they place these relationships in "play." 
 Responding politely should neutralize this challenge. 
 DEAR AMY: The letter from "Understanding Mom" amused me. This mom was worried that her son would insist on wearing his skirt to a social occasion to which the family had been invited. 
 She should get him a kilt. Kilts are acceptable, even at formal occasions. 
 --Kilt-Wearing Reader 
 DEAR READER: A kilt is a socially acceptable alternative to a skirt, but that is beside the point. This mom should not be stressing about her adult son's dressing.

DEAR AMY: I have been living with my boyfriend for about four years; we are both in our 50s. I don't understand why he hasn't asked me to marry him. We've talked about this several times (with me bringing up this subject). I end up getting upset because he gives no specific reason for not wanting to get married. We love each other very much and are really meant for each other, but he's just not interested in getting married. Both of us are divorced, and marriage just doesn't seem to be in the near future (or possibly at all) for us. He treats me well, but I sometimes feel used and underappreciated and feel I'm not good enough to be married to him. I feel insecure not being married; there is no commitment to anything. What should I do: be happily unmarried or look for another Mr. Right who is willing to commit (in time) to getting married? --Not Good Enough? DEAR NOT ENOUGH: If you could somehow force yourself to be "happily unmarried," then that would be the best choice for you, but you will not be able to pull this off, because it is not what you want in life. And what you want is every bit as important as what he wants (or doesn't want). Your guy will never ask you to marry him. You may be able to manipulate or otherwise force him into a matrimonial union, but this marriage will not deliver the commitment you crave because he does not want it. When one party is reluctant or feels manipulated by an ultimatum, this tension comes up later when times get tough -- and times always get tough. You crave this particular connection and commitment, and if you absolutely must have it in your life, you need to be brave enough to leave your current relationship and seek it elsewhere. There is no guarantee of marriage with anyone in your future, but you might be happier on your own. DEAR AMY: My friend has started a "small business," in which she sells sex toys on behalf of a company for a commission. She is hosting events in her home, where she tries to get her friends to spend money to buy overpriced junk. I have no need for what she is selling, but she is pressuring her friends to "get her small business off the ground." How can I politely decline without telling her I think this whole venture is predatory on her friends and provides an overpriced product that I don't want to waste money on? --Upset Friend DEAR UPSET: It's easy to politely decline. You just say, "I won't be able to attend your party or buy these products, but good luck with your business." Do not explain. Anyone selling sex toys must realize that there is a (somewhat) limited clientele for this sort of product. I receive many queries from people like you who feel pressured to patronize these home-based commission businesses. I think it's time for people to realize that this business model requires people to trade on their personal relationships to build clientele. If people are going to trade on their personal relationships, then they should also realize that they place these relationships in "play." Responding politely should neutralize this challenge. DEAR AMY: The letter from "Understanding Mom" amused me. This mom was worried that her son would insist on wearing his skirt to a social occasion to which the family had been invited. She should get him a kilt. Kilts are acceptable, even at formal occasions. --Kilt-Wearing Reader DEAR READER: A kilt is a socially acceptable alternative to a skirt, but that is beside the point. This mom should not be stressing about her adult son's dressing.

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