Walk away from your sexual 'habit'

DEAR SUSAN: I have a bad habit of getting sexually involved with men on the first date. What is a good way to stop doing this? It's frustrating to ruin what could be a good friendship by running with my hormones.

From the Single File blogDEAR BLOGGER: Frustration has prodded you to ask me for a solution to the "bad habit." Any behavior that lowers self-respect must be ferreted out and eliminated once and for all. You need to search your soul for the reason you have sex before you know the man. To win affection? To appease? To barter? To avoid intimacy?

You can't find every man instantly appealing; there must be other dynamics pushing you into this behavior. I suggest you copy the list of reasons. When one of them rings a bell, meditate on your life story and maybe arrange to see a counselor to help with this important process.

DEAR SUSAN: I am a healthy 65-year-old widow -- attractive, intelligent and compassionate. I was initially excited by online dating, as my friend met someone through a dating site. During the six months I was trying this site, I sent many emails of light conversation focused mainly on the man, with a sprinkling about myself. You probably know where I'm going with this. Your words ring in my head about dating: "Hurt or be hurt." Is my age the problem? Or are men looking for a 50-year-old who will constantly inflate their ego?

From the Single File blogDEAR BLOGGER: Yes, dating is a process of hurt and/or be hurt; a way to mitigate its stress is to keep your hopes and expectations level at all times. First, forget dating sites and walk your way out of disappointment. Explore your city, your neighborhood, your interests and see what else life has to offer. It is a Deitz no-no to define yourself by your marital status. Be sure singleness isn't the sum and substance of your identity. Making a dating site your home away from home can make you feel diminished, rejected again and again for some silly and mysterious reasons.

Think about that while putting on your walking shoes, promising yourself that you'll see what other pleasures life has for you. The best things happen at random. Do some moseying solo, without a bodyguard. That way, you're open to adventure on your own schedule, at your own pace. Without some "date" on the phone asking your age and height and all that silly stuff. (Believe it or not, I've been asked my shoe size.) Get out there with zero expectations and high hopes.