When a grandchild is kept out of reach

DEAR AMY: My daughter forces me to make an appointment to see my grandchild. I baby-sat for three years, and now that they no longer need me, I am kept at arm's length. I have been screamed at, called names and had doors slammed in my face - all while I was baby-sitting. Now I am being pushed out of my grandchild's life because my daughter seems to have all this anger and hatred. Though her hatred is directed at me, it is really about her own unhappiness. I want to walk away because the hurt is destroying me, but I'm concerned about my granddaughter and her feelings. We have been excluded from birthdays, recitals, school functions, etc. We are not allowed to take her anywhere, and she is not allowed to stay at our house. The in-laws are not treated this way. I'm looking for a support group because I wonder if there are other grandparents out there with the same problem.Hurt and Sad

DEAR HURT: This is a terrible and painful situation. Parents sometimes use access to their children as a wedge to punish their own parents, and though this isn't fair, legally parents have the right to control who spends time with their child.

You don't say what factors might have led to this toxic relationship. Obviously, the best course is to try to heal this rift.

You shouldn't tolerate being abused in order to see your granddaughter, and, if the child witnesses or is drawn into it, it is very bad for her own emotional development. You should seek professional help to try to mediate a workable solution with your daughter.

Your local department of family and children's services will recommend a family counselor to work with you - with a goal of getting your daughter to agree to mediation.

Grandparents groups have sprung up around the country. Search the Internet using the phrase "grandparents rights" to see if there is a group near you.