When a matron of honor declines the job

DEAR AMY: I want to drop a little advice to brides-to-be when choosing their wedding parties. I was married a few years ago and chose my best friend to be my matron of honor. I was totally deflated when she informed me that she didn't want to participate, but only be a guest. Our friendship spanned 20 years. It would have been more acceptable had she been sick, had money or family issues, etc. My wedding simply wasn't a priority in her busy life. So ladies, be careful about whom you ask to stand by your side on your special day. And if the issue that prevents one from standing up is financial, tell the bride and express how honored you are that she asked you. This will avoid any hurt feelings. But a true friend wouldn't think of not being at the bride's side because she'll want to be a part of her special day. My friend's actions ruined our friendship and even though we've tried to patch it up, it's beyond repair. I know she misses our friendship dearly. She has apologized and I've forgiven her. But her act of selfishness revealed exactly how she felt about me, and if I can't count on a friend on one of the happiest days of my life, I know she'll also disappoint me when the storms come.

-- No Longer Bummed Out

DEAR NO LONGER: Brides should be aware that (depending on the size and scope of the wedding event) the role of maid or matron of honor is an honor that some women don't necessarily want.

This honor can become a grueling, expensive job.

You don't mention what expectations you had of your prospective matron of honor, but I give her credit for telling you quickly that she didn't want the job.

You sign your letter "No Longer Bummed Out," but it is obvious that you continue to be very bummed out. If you had really forgiven your friend, you would have moved on already. I hope you'll continue to try to repair this connection.