When communication styles differ

DEAR AMY: I'm 32 and she's 29. We have been together for 12 years and are not married. We have a 16-month-old daughter. We are best friends, but we never quite get along. I used to brag about how we never argue until I realized it's because we don't communicate well at all. I'm open and will say what's on my mind, while she tends to hold things in. She says I talk at her instead of to her. We've tried counseling, but it hasn't worked. I love her very much, but it mostly feels as if we are going to end up as single parents, which is something I never want for my daughter. I'm ready to have a wife -- not a girlfriend -- but this lack of communication threatens our future. You're my last effort before I end this relationship.

--Sad Dad

DEAR SAD: People harp on the importance of communication so often that it has become a cliche. And yet, like many cliches, it happens to be true. Communication is everything.

A person's temperament (whether the person is quiet or garrulous, outgoing or shy) will dictate some communication style, but the biggest imprint is from a person's family background.

You suppose that your relationship would improve if she were more open, but your relationship might also improve if you changed your communication style.

You might overwhelm or override her verbally -- and she might throw off nonverbal cues that speak volumes. Are you watching and listening? One of my favorite books about communicating is "You Just Don't Understand: Women and Men in Conversation," by linguist Deborah Tannen (2001, Harper Paperbacks). And though you and your partner seem to be occupying gender-opposite roles (you're a talker, she's not), learning the dynamic between opposites is helpful.

Try counseling again. Don't give up on your best friend. Let your child grow up with parents who have figured things out.