When gifting, it can be 'great expectations'

DEAR AMY: It has been my habit to give my grown children, as well as my daughter-in-law, what I feel is a substantial cash gift ($100) for birthdays, anniversaries and Christmas.

The younger grandchildren also receive cards on Valentine's Day and Halloween with a small cash gift. I have been stewing for at least three weeks, waiting for a thank you from my daughter-in-law. My sister has not been thanked yet for gifts she gave to this family.

My grandchildren are equally at fault, even though I spoke to them about manners and etiquette. The 7-year-old actually said she had been too busy to thank me. While I enjoy giving to them, I would at least like an acknowledgment. I have tried to think of a way to say something without it becoming a lecture and/or putting them on the defensive. Should I enclose a "thank you" with my gift?Disappointed

DEAR DISAPPOINTED: You are off base in thinking that these kids are necessarily "at fault" or that a 7-year-old knows how to respond to this sort of pressure.

Conscientious parents let their children know that they won't be able to enjoy their gifts until the giver has been thanked.

But understanding grandparents know that sending a card for Halloween does not require a thank you or special acknowledgment from a child beyond this - the next time you see the child you say, "Hey, did you get my funny Halloween card? I saw it and thought, 'I know who to send this to.' " This gives the child a chance to react positively.

Tell your son you are disappointed that he, his wife and children don't manage to thank people for their gifts and ask if he is willing to work on this.

And then you need to work on your own motivations. Are you willing to give gifts regardless of the response? If so, then keep doing what you are doing. If not, send the card, minus the cash.