When the 'Cousin Code' needs to be broken

DEAR AMY: "Perplexed" wrote to you, asking if he/she should report the "risky" behavior a cousin had bragged about. You said this risky behavior should be reported to an adult. Amy, I'm wondering, do you not have any cousins? In my neck of the woods, older cousins often tell lies to their younger cousins about their "cool" and "rebellious" behavior. Since younger cousins look up to you anyway, and they tend to believe everything you say, you can build up your "cuz" rep by telling big, fat lies about yourself. One thing that makes this easier is the "Cousin Code," which makes it completely unacceptable for you to go to your aunts and uncles and tell on your cousins. I hope Perplexed doesn't break the Cousin Code and get the family worked up over this cousin's likely untrue boasting.

--Older Cuz in N.C.

DEAR CUZ: I do have cousins. And so I tossed your query to my own "older cuz," Jan Smith, who is a former mental health counselor with lots of experience dealing with teenagers, including her own.

Here's how she responded: "Family relationships, cousin or otherwise, are governed by lots of 'codes,' and these vary from family to family. But if a youngster is troubled or anxious about a family member's behavior, it's wise for that young person to get guidance - in or out of the family.

"As for not talking about a cousin's behavior, I don't think the cousin relationship carries more weight than not talking about a best friend's behavior or a sibling's behavior.

"Parents are a great resource for many children and teens, but if that's not possible, I would encourage talking to a school counselor." Jan also added a personal note: "Amy, when you were young, I discussed your behavior quite regularly with Aunt Lena, our family's discipline guru, and you can see how well you turned out."