Woman upset boyfriend smokes pot

DEAR AMY: I'm a (more or less) straight woman in a relationship with a man 10 years older. We've been together for more than a year, living in the same house (with housemates). He is mature, compassionate, sweet, and supportive in many ways. He had some experiences in his teen years that he feels have scarred him, including going to prison for a naive, one-time experience with selling drugs. He has dealt with his problems mainly through sobriety and Buddhism, but a few months before we met, he decided to start smoking marijuana again, both to process his teen angst and to elicit his creative, emotional side. He seems to spend about half (or more) of his evenings stoned. I don't smoke pot because it makes me incredibly paranoid, and I don't really like him as much when he's high. Honestly, I don't even want to be around him. When he is sober, I am so happy to be with him, and I feel at ease. I support him as a person, but I want to have kids -- and not with someone who is using pot to work out his teen issues. He's also fairly disorganized and barely works. I want a relationship that feels good for the long haul. Should I suck it up and hope it's a phase? We have a hard time talking about this stuff and the tension is terrible.Unsure Monogamist

DEAR UNSURE: According to your narrative, your guy was 100 percent sober at one time -- but all this stopped just before you met. Are you sure he has ever been completely sober? My read is that his previous periods of sobriety were phases, and what you have now -- the person who is stoned half the time to unlock his creativity and deal with his teen issues and who doesn't seem to work very hard -- that's him.

You two have a classic addiction dynamic (whether it's alcohol, pot, food or tobacco).

He is not long-term partner/ father-of-your-children material. He should seek counseling to deal with his "teen issues." You should check out a

Nar-Anon meeting

(nar-anon.org).