Don't be offended when someone with good intentions lacks the right tone and tenor
People don’t always know how to speak in ways that don’t offend. Credit: Getty Images/ Edwin Tan
We don’t always know how to speak to people in a way that makes them comfortable.
And people don’t always know how to speak to us in ways that don’t offend.
But not knowing how to adopt perfect tone and tenor, failing to achieve it although the effort is genuine, must be judged differently than active attempts to insult. The world is too complicated for well-intentioned people to fall out over accidental slights.
The prime example is the difficulty of properly addressing people whose appearance doesn’t seem to match the gender with which they identify. In my social circle a common sentiment is, “I’m willing to call anyone whatever makes them happy, but I don’t always know! And then I still trip up sometimes! Because I’m obsessed with my crazed life, not my neighbor’s kid’s theyfriend’s pronouns.”
But the complexities of gender are just a small fraction of the issue.
Addressing people of other races and ethnicities is tricky, because social mores and life experiences are different. What’s kidding in one heritage may be crushing in another. And the culture that seems so obviously connected to a person, to our eyes and ears, may not be the one they identify with.
People miss the mark. That’s often OK, or should be.
One person I’ve valued discussing this with is New York State Education Commissioner Betty Rosa, whose background is so delightfully a la carte that any assumptions you make about her could be wrong.
Rosa was born in New York City but spent much of her early life in Puerto Rico. She is Black, through her father, and Puerto Rican, through both parents, and Jewish, both born and practicing. Rosa also attended Catholic churches and schools in her youth (her mother converted to Catholicism after Rosa was born), then married a Jewish man and raised Jewish children.
“People will make comments about Jews, Blacks, Catholics, Puerto Ricans, depending on the group I’m in, and I’m standing right here!’ Rosa said in an interview Wednesday.
And while Rosa has stories both tough and funny about acquaintances unleashing antisemitic slurs and other xenophobic arrows, she sees the issue more broadly, too.
"There is so much hurtful said that isn’t just identity, but language. What does it mean when we call someone a minority," Rosa asked, pointing out the implication of "less than" in the term. "What does it mean when a leader says, ‘We want to hire for diversity, but not lower our standards?’”
But, Rosa says, when off-target comments are not malicious, they need to be treated as teachable moments.
She’s right. If we punish people for well-intentioned mistakes just as we do for malicious behavior, we may push the well-intended into maliciousness, too.
So …how about a coalition of the kind, those willing to learn? What about becoming very slow to anger toward anyone who speaks kindly and with seemingly good intent, and listens.
The most anyone can be is well-intended and willing to learn. No one knows it all. No one intuits how others wish to be treated all the time.
And our ire, right now, is best saved for the constant assaults of those who want to offend and anger, not the inadvertent transgressions of imperfect but well-meaning souls.
Because one way to guarantee a lack of allies is by demanding perfection from the applicants.
Columnist Lane Filler's opinions are his own.
Lane Filler is a member of the Newsday editorial board.
