President Joe Biden signs into law the Bipartisan Safer Communities...

President Joe Biden signs into law the Bipartisan Safer Communities Act gun safety bill, at the White House in Washington, Saturday,while first lady Jill Biden looks on. Credit: AP/Pablo Martinez Monsivais

Hello America, try not to get shot today.

That's it; that's the lede.

In what's obviously become the safest country in the world so long as you're invested in this guns-make-us-safer psychosis, you can now get shot for the way you make a sandwich.

Or did you miss that story in the wrap-up of the overnight carnage?

Man walks into Subway sandwich shop in Atlanta Sunday night and places his order, which includes one fateful word: mayo. Brittany Macon, 26, makes it for him. Brittany is apparently too generous with the mayo. Man shoots Brittany dead. Then turns and shoots another young woman in front of her 5-year-old. That woman survived.

The price of safety seems awfully high, does it not?

Poor Brittany had been putting sandwiches together at the Subway for less than a month. Had she been trained on the exact apportionment of mayo for members of our well-regulated militia? Because in America, that kind of oversight can end your life.

"It breaks my heart to know that someone has the audacity to point a weapon and shoot someone for as little as too much mayonnaise on a sandwich," said Willie Glenn, who co-owns that particular Subway and spoke with a local TV station. Glenn called the shooting victims "model employees."

Police arrested a 36-year-old Atlanta man with ridiculously exacting sandwich standards later that night, but anywhere in America tonight, and then again tomorrow night and the night after that, someone will get shot for less.

No one need ever again explain that our absolutist gun culture, in conjunction with the gun lobby and the despicably gutless politicians in its pocket, have essentially turned America into Chris Rock's neighborhood, a place the great comic once described as "so bad you can get shot while you're getting shot."

When 5% of the world's population is toting around almost half of all the privately owned firearms on the planet, I don't think you have to be an expert on anything to understand that bad things are going to happen. The key dynamic in America, however, is that we don't care. Because your right to own an assault rifle as well as a high-capacity magazine shall not be infringed, 7-year-olds are just going to have to deal with their little thoughts about getting randomly slaughtered. Because America.

But don't worry; there's a new gun law in town thanks to President Joe Biden and some pliable Republicans who have boldly responded to the public cries of "Do Something!" in the weeks after 19 elementary schoolers and two of their teachers were annihilated in Texas and 10 people died in a New York grocery store massacre. Well, they've done something, at least to the extent something can be defined as right next door to nothing.

The Bipartisan Safer Communities Act, which Biden signed over the weekend and for which he's planning a showy White House event July 11, enhances background checks on gun buyers under 21, directs money to states to establish red flag laws, adds "serious dating partners" to the list of domestic abusers who won't be allowed to buy guns (previously limited to spouses and domestic partners) and directs funding to mental health and school safety programs.

That's "something?" Smells like "nothing."

Here's a quick Q&A on the Bipartisan Safer Communities Act.

Q. If I'm just a "casual dating partner," can I still purchase a firearm.

A. Oh sure.

Q. If I'm only 18 and have to prove it to buy cough syrup, will I still be able to purchase an AR-15 style assault weapon?

A. Oh sure.

Q. If I'm only 19, should I purchase an assault rifle now in case assault weapons are banned at some point?

A. Don't make me laugh young militiaman. In America?

Nearly 70% of Americans support an outright ban on assault weapons, but have to settle for some tinkering on dating partners because their government simply won't listen to them. To have any measurable impact, the bill Biden just delivered would had to have included not only an assault weapons ban but a ban on high-capacity magazines. It should have raised the legal age for purchasing a handgun to 21, established universal background checks that included internet sales and sales at gun shows, and much, much more.

If the government is suddenly in the business of requiring women to carry their rapist's baby to term, I suppose it'll soon get around to requiring everyone to carry a gun as well. When that happens, you should be sure I'll remain extremely unlikely to shoot anyone.

That said, I still wouldn't bring 13 items to the 12-items-or-less line, and whatever you do, do not say, in my presence, "it is what it is." As for you sandwich makers, relax, I never ask for mayo.