A New Year-ish cheer for 2023
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Welcome, readers, to 2023!
The year we left behind was filled with unpredictability and events so strange that sightings of UAP’s, formerly known as UFO’s, in Montauk would have been taken in stride. So to start the year on a lighter note, we offer these somewhat fanciful predictions for the 364 days ahead.
George Santos admits to taking his name — and his decision to run for Congress — from the plot of “The West Wing,” which saw a Congressman Santos become President Santos in its final season. Santos then announces his run for President.
The Metropolitan Transportation Authority decides to solve its financial problems by partnering with a team of Las Vegas casinos on a proposal to create casino trains across the system. The innovative proposal wins one of the state’s casino licenses — and lifts ridership beyond 100% of pre-pandemic levels.
Weeks after marijuana sales begin on Long Island, the culture wars at school and library board meetings stop and town zoning boards start approving affordable housing. When state officials realize the impact, they vote to make pot sales illegal again.
Teachers unions, school districts and municipalities come together for an inflation-based push to repeal the tax cap. Voters, already pressed by inflation at the pump, grocery store, restaurant, gym, clothing store and anywhere else money spends, come together in a demonstration of primal rage.
Nassau County again revamps its property-assessment process, allowing residents to set their own taxable value.
Suffolk decides that operating and maintaining computers is too complicated and installs typewriters in the clerk’s office and cash registers in the tax office, mails leaflets to replace the county website, and hires a fleet of homing pigeons to communicate with residents.
Under pressure to resign, Vladimir Putin agrees to free elections. Volodymyr Zelenskyy abandons Ukraine’s claim of independence and says it is part of Mother Russia. He runs against Putin and wins.
Fringe groups condemn routine fire and building codes as a plot against freedom. Other fringe groups condemn neighborhood watch patrols as a plot against freedom.
The Colorado River drops to record lows, forcing severe rationing of water. Millions of residents of Phoenix, Las Vegas and Los Angeles return to Long Island, then leave again when they get their tax bills.
Red-state voters are asked in a referendum to choose between incentivizing the manufacture of AK-47’s or AR-15’s for civilian use. Blue-state voters are asked to choose between incentivizing the manufacture of Acapulco gold or Panama red for civilian use.
A train that looks very much like the Polar Express finally arrives at Grand Central Madison. Full of elves and conducted by Santa Claus, the train marks the official opening of East Side Access in time for the lighting of the 2023 Rockefeller Center tree.
Happy New Year! ish!
MEMBERS OF THE EDITORIAL BOARD are experienced journalists who offer reasoned opinions, based on facts, to encourage informed debate about the issues facing our community.
