Uberti: Twinkies are back -- for eternity
The new Twinkies box bears the tagline, "The sweetest comeback in the history of ever." Credit: Handout
Twinkies will return to store shelves Monday as one of the first items you should acquire in the event of a zombie apocalypse, right after bottled water and guns.
It has long been joked that the treats last forever, not to mention that they could be dropped from buildings, unscathed, before snack time. But the resurrected Twinkies will have a shelf life that’s almost double that of their 2012 ancestors: 45 days.
Hostess' flagship treat already survived an apocalypse of snack-cake proportions late last year, when manufacturer Hostess shuttered its doors. But two private equity firms are bringing Twinkies — along with Ding Dongs, Donettes and other Hostess products — back to store shelves.
Twinkies' return has been heralded for top-secret improvements that keep the treats fresher longer — whatever "fresh" means for cream-filled spongecakes.
Hostess will also freeze about 10 percent of Twinkies sent to retailers, so that their biological clocks start ticking only when they go on sale.
It's unclear what recipe changes lengthened Twinkies' longevity. That's proprietary information, Hostess says.
Needless to say, the company isn't in the organic food business. And if you’re worried about Twinkies clogging your arteries, you probably shouldn’t be eating them in the first place.
I don't think I'm in the minority when saying I'd rather not know the “improved” recipe. In this case, ignorance really is bliss — a spongy, creamy, chemical-filled bliss.
Just remember, kids: In the event of a natural disaster or alien invasion, forget everything your mom ever said about eating vegetables. Stock up on Twinkies instead.
