God Squad: Feeling uncomfortable in church

Thank you for your question which, as I read it over and over again, is not really about gun control but about finding a new spiritual home. My first reaction to people thrown into new religious surroundings is perhaps a bit unconventional: I'm happy that you're uncomfortable! One of the surest ways for our beliefs to become ossified and stale is for them never to be challenged. It's a good thing for you to be confronted with radically different opinions on the ethics of public policy. People such as yourselves who believe in stronger gun control laws have good reasons, but so do those who believe that an armed guard at Sandy Hook Elementary School might have done more to save lives than 1,000 new gun laws would.

We need to hear each other, and your experience offers an opportunity to hear and to be heard. I'd suggest you make an appointment to speak with the pastor. He won't agree with you, but if he's caring and wise, he'll listen to you and sensitively respond to your opinions. If instead he's gruff, dismissive or even insulting, you need to abandon family unity for the higher good of finding a church where you can pray in serenity and respect.

I would also strike up conversations with others in the church to see if there really is unanimity of opinion on gun control among parishioners. You may discover the range of opinions is more diverse than the nodding heads led you to believe. I often tell my own congregants that my job is not to tell them what they want to hear but what they need to hear. I often fail, but the trying is all that matters to me.

I absolutely agree with you that you need not give to a charity that violates your values or beliefs.

When the family suggests contributions to a charity, as I often do when I conduct funerals, they're merely offering a suggestion, not issuing an inviolable order. I'm certain that your contribution of planted trees in Israel would be received with the generosity of spirit with which you make the contribution.

When my father, Sol, passed away more than three years ago, many Catholic readers sent me Mass cards in his memory. Although this is technically inappropriate for a deceased Jewish man, I was touched by their kindness and took their gifts as signs of sincere compassion.

If possible, it's indeed preferable to donate to a deceased person's favorite charity, but sometimes that's just not possible. The important thing is to reach out and tell the mourners that they're not alone in their grief, and that even death can be the occasion to support the causes of life, healing and hope.