40-year-old son needs to grow up

DEAR AMY: My wife and I have lived in a blended family for 30 years. It always has been a rocky road with her and my two boys, and now my older son and my wife do not speak.

I am always caught in the middle. My wife and I went to spend time with my younger son for Christmas Eve, and my intention was for us to spend Christmas morning with my older son. This was not enough for him. He wanted me to leave my wife behind and have dinner with his family alone. When I said I would not leave her alone for dinner, he stopped speaking to me, saying that I always choose her. I am no longer welcome there for Christmas.

My son is 40, with a family of his own. Why should I leave my wife and why should I have to choose? I love both of my sons, but I am in love with my wife -- these are two different kinds of love. What should I do? What would you do?Upset and Hurt

DEAR UPSET: I assume this episode has prompted you to ponder your long-ago parenting choices because your 40-year-old son is behaving exactly like the 10-year-old boy he once was.

That boy might have been deeply wounded by the breakup of his family.

I assume that you have tolerated versions of this behavior for the last 30 years -- and you have helped to arrest your son's emotional development at roughly the level of a spoiled and hurt adolescent.

Well, it's time for him to grow up.

You say to him: "Son, you're a grown man. I love you and your family. I would never ask you to leave your wife sitting at home to attend a family celebration, and I will not tolerate your asking me to leave my wife behind, for goodness' sake."

If your son has a gripe with you -- or your wife -- he should use his big-boy words and discuss it. Convey to him that you are open to discussion -- but not manipulation.