A disabled child and family strain

DEAR AMY: My oldest son has been married for seven years and has two children. The oldest child has many health and neurological issues. My son's job often requires that he travel, and for the last year he has worked out of town during the week. He is home every weekend, and is engaged in the household and child care. His wife is a wonderful teacher and has many productive ideas regarding teaching this challenging child, but the problems lie in the disciplining. As we see it, our son can't do anything right. She constantly degrades him and undermines his attempts to discipline this boy. He is at a loss, especially because she is the professional and very intelligent, and he is a mere dad. I know that she is overwhelmed, as we all are. We also know that we can only observe and help out when and where we can. My husband and I (and her folks) help her almost daily. We love our son, daughter-in-law and our precious grandchildren so much, and just hope that you have some advice for us.

--Worried

DEAR WORRIED: One parent should not degrade the other -- and certainly never in front of the children.

When your daughter-in-law does this, it diminishes his standing with the kids and also creates anxiety for all of them.

Your disabled grandson needs stability and discipline so that he can interact in the wider world to his fullest capacity.

The younger child is also profoundly affected by his brother's health problems, the challenges at home and the tension between his parents.

The only person who can alter this dynamic is your son, and he is either too overwhelmed or feels too guilty to push back.

The most you can do is to suggest to your son that his child's physician might recommend a professional who could come to the house, assess their teaching and discipline techniques and give all of you some helpful suggestions.