A rough patch or the end of her marriage?

DEAR AMY: My husband and I have been married for three years, and we have a 2-year-old son. I'm to the point where I have emotionally checked out of the relationship. We have had several talks that have led to arguments about problems in the marriage, including drug use and his not helping out more around the house. After both fights (after one, I took our son and moved out for a few days), he would apologize and say he would help out more or stop smoking weed, and he would -- but only for about a month. I understand he works long hours and is helping out at church, but I also work all day and then come home to deal with the dog and our son by myself for four days out of the week. I'm tired of talking to him! I want things to change so we're happy again, but if after two previous discussions things obviously haven't changed, is it even worth a third talk?Checked Out

DEAR CHECKED OUT: Your letter will be read with recognition by couples who have survived these extremely tough early years and can look back and say, "We've been there." So, yes, your marriage and your family are worth a third conversation, a fourth conversation and more beyond that. This is the toughest period of the family journey. Please be kind to yourself. Find ways to be kind to him.

Ways of being kind are to find little moments of personal respite in your daily life, punctuated by longer moments of privacy and positive experiences with your husband. (I assume you are both being the best possible parents to your toddler.) Here's what I see in your husband, even though you don't present him in a positive light: He is listening. He wants to change. He's a hard worker.

The strongest couples always describe themselves as a "team." You and your husband need to find ways to reconnect and discover -- and act upon -- your shared goals. If you do, you will both change in ways that are lasting and profound.