Amy remembers mama

DEAR READERS: My mother always said she didn't like Mother's Day. There would be no Hallmark cards or fancy brunches for her on this day. She claimed that Mother's Day was a manufactured holiday and that she would only ever accept one gift: flowers plucked from the field and plunked into a jelly jar, along with a homemade card. My sisters and I were happy to oblige. But this year is different. My mother died this winter, and now Mother's Day takes on a sad resonance. I have several friends and colleagues who also lost their mothers this year, and what we express to one another is how the loss of your mother changes you in indefinable ways, because the person who has known you the longest is gone. It is challenging to imagine completely recovering from this sort of loss. And one thing I learned from my mother was to recognize and try to accept what is.

My mother was shy. She didn't like the sort of attention the commercial interests on this day compel us to express. My mother was also plucky. She was flinty. She had common sense and compassion. She was hilarious and fun to be around. She was a gifted listener and a great friend. I have a unique way to remember and express my gratitude to my mother, because she lives in the pages of this column. Up to the end of her life, I shared readers' letters with her, and she often made great suggestions, even though she believed that most of us already know (or should know) the answers to our questions. She pushed me to challenge both myself and my readers (though her most frequent admonition was to "be funnier!").

I am fortunate not only to have been my mother's daughter, but also to be a mother myself.

I haven't laid down conditions for Mother's Day the way my mother did for me, but this year, especially, I would be happiest to receive some hand-plucked posies and a homemade card.

DEAR AMY: "Brokenhearted Old Friend" was devastated when her dying friend withdrew all contact from her. I had a similar experience with a relative. I didn't understand why this person would choose to distance herself from many near and dear to her as she approached the end of her life, but a hospice volunteer told me that this is common.Sad Relative

DEAR SAD: Respecting the wishes of a dying person is one of the burdens of being a survivor.