Are we still the 'burbs if our lawns are brown?

Will the suburbs still be the suburbs if the people can't water their lawns?

That question is suddenly impossible to ignore as Suffolk County officials announced that water consumption surged to a record Friday. Robo-calls are urging conservation. A "Stage 1 Water Alert" is already in place. And now residents are being asked to not wash their cars so often or water their lawns.

The single greediest water hogs? Large Southampton estates. But taken together, their total use is not nearly as large as all the lush quarter-acre patches that have come to define Long Island life.

Don't think any of this is trivial.

Philosophers of the American experience have long been fascinated by the powerful symbolism of the green suburban lawn - as God's little acre, as a way to one-up the neighbors, as a means of showing that the Great American Dream is being practiced here.

In "The Great Suburban Showdown," Billy Joel found in his childhood lawn a reason to feel really, really bleak:

"Out in the yard,

Where my Daddy worked so hard

He never lets the crabgrass grow too high."

Poor Dad!

The water alarm isn't a life-changing crisis yet. Around here, we are much better watered than some places are. Phoenix, Albuquerque and San Diego have decades worth of experience trying to convince their suburban citizens that a desert rock garden can be inviting, too.

Yes, it's still a tough sell.

But at 500,000 gallons a minute in parts of Suffolk County - with more heat and dry weather to come - it's certainly time to start thinking about what the experts call "nonessential water uses."

And don't forget: In a nice desert rock garden, crabgrass doesn't have a chance.

ASKED AND UNANSWERED: To the Hamptons beach crowd, are any four words half as rattling as these: "Vegas-style Indian casino"? . . . The 47 percent premium the Carlyle Group is paying for NBTY? How much cost-cutting will that mean for 2,000 LI employees of the Ronkonkoma-based vitamin maker? . . . What but Bob Sheppard's funeral at St. Christopher's could turn Mets-centric Baldwin into a Yankees town, even for a day? . . . Mrs. Tuckruskye! Which part of "underage" don't you understand? . . . How soon before some judge explains tersely to Nassau exec Ed Mangano, "Yes, the personal-services contract law does apply to you - and to county attorney John Ciampoli"? . . . Investing millions in a long-shot run against Chuck Schumer? Is that Nassau Comptroller George Maragos' idea of fiscal prudence? . . . Why's everyone so tickled by gap-rapping railroad doc John Clarke? He's only practicing preventive medicine: It's just his version of preventive medicine: "Look down, step over and watch the gaps!"

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