Ask Amy: Estrangement from nephew a heartbreak

DEAR AMY: I am estranged from my nephew. His parents took him and moved away when he was a child. He is now an adult, and I'd like to get together with him again, but he doesn't want to get together with me - his own aunt. I've tried to keep track of him over the years, sending him birthday and Christmas presents, and a few e-mails a year. Except for once about two years ago, when he wrote me a thank-you letter, I do not hear from him. I don't want him to think I don't care, so I try to keep up some sort of communication. How do others handle this? My heart is broken but after two years of therapy - about 15 years ago - I "sort of" learned to live with it. I think my whole family grieves over the loss of this young man from our lives. With the holidays, this rift comes up annually. I have a great relationship with other nieces and nephews. But this estrangement is a heartbreaker. If adult siblings have problems with each other, I wish they wouldn't drag the kids into it. Everybody loses.

--Sad Aunt

DEAR AUNT: Estrangements within families are sadly common. These rifts can be brought on by many reasons, and sadly often the estrangement outlasts the memory of its cause. You're helping yourself by acknowledging the grief you feel and seeking help to put this into perspective. You have so many functioning relationships in your life. You should continue to celebrate and focus on these healthy relationships.

It's OK to continue to contact your nephew, but don't send him gifts. Gifts have a way of putting pressure on the recipient. Your contact should be straightforward, warm and newsy. Don't pressure him to be in touch, but let him know you'd welcome hearing from him.

My favorite book on this topic is, "Healing From Family Rifts: Ten Steps to Finding Peace After Being Cut Off From a Family Member" by Mark Sichel (2004, McGraw Hill).