Ask Amy: Find antidote to toxic in-laws

DEAR AMY: I've been married for 30 years. I endured put-downs, slurs and nastiness from my husband's parents for the entirety of our marriage - with no help from my husband.

A year ago, my mother-in-law passed away and my father-in-law was placed in the dementia unit of a nursing home. My problem is that I am still furious at how they treated me - and terribly disappointed that the close relationship I wanted with them never happened. I tried and tried, but everything about me was dead wrong: my ethnicity (not Norwegian-American), my weight (not thin enough), my education (I have a doctorate, and my husband has a high school diploma, so they called me "Miss Know-It-All"), my childbearing capacity ("only one? What's wrong with you?"), my role as breadwinner ("never, never overshadow your husband"), my traveling for work ("I'll die while you're gone, and it'll be your fault") and my willingness to express an opinion. How can I let it all go, considering that my mother-in-law is dead and my father-in-law is completely impaired?WishingDEAR WISHING: Your toxic in-laws are gone, but their verbal abuse and put-downs will resonate through your life until you can accept that their reprehensible actions were their responsibility, their fault and a reflection of their character and limitations.

It is in your power to let this go, and you must - otherwise, this abuse will live on and continue to eat away at you.

You also must deal with your husband. His passivity (or refusal) to protect and advocate for you is an abandonment.

He might have been fearful - or trapped in a relationship where he felt powerless (after all, these people raised him). You two need to confront this aspect of your relationship.

This is the sort of issue that a therapist could help you make sense of. A counselor would listen to your story and then ask, "What can you do now?"