Ask Amy: Her grief got in the way of etiquette

DEAR AMY: My husband of five years died suddenly in 2004. He was 46; I was 43. I had never experienced death and was emotionally unequipped for the grief that held me for the next few years. I couldn't work or do much of anything else, other than crawl up in a ball on my parents' couch. I was so paralyzed I couldn't even read a newspaper. After my husband's death, several of my friends and family members gave me monetary donations to offset the cost of the funeral, as well as lovely floral gifts, but I was too upset to write the thank-you cards. Fortunately, I have a wonderful man in my life again and am very happy. I've tried several times to write those thank-you notes, but every time I start, those feelings of devastation take hold of me again. I am thinking of strengthening myself and writing the cards this year on the sixth anniversary of his death. Should I muster up the will to write the cards and hope that no one thinks that I am inconsiderate for waiting so long? Or should I let it go and pray that I was forgiven for such a massive oversight? I want to do the right thing.

--Hopeful in Chicago

DEAR HOPEFUL: Untether this note-writing job from its sad moorings and you will be able to say what you need to say.

Don't think of this outreach as a response to your tragedy as much as an opportunity to get in touch with your friends to tell them how you're doing. Because this is causing you problems, don't do this on the exact anniversary of your husband's death, but get started the week before.

Here's some wording you could include: "I know a lot of time has passed, but I hope you realize that time will never diminish my gratitude to you. You have been a wonderful friend - especially when I needed your friendship the most - and I will never forget your thoughtfulness and generosity." It's never too late to tell people that you appreciate them.