Ask Amy: How much family history do grandkids need to know?

DEAR AMY: More than 20 years ago, I divorced my husband because of mental and physical abuse. Our son is 40 and is happily married with two children. I happily remarried and am now a widow. My ex is now on his seventh wife. I make the effort to say hello to him at large social gatherings. I can manage to be in his company in a larger group. Recently my 13-year-old granddaughter had a birthday party at a local restaurant. Because of the small group, we would all sit at the same table. I declined to go and asked my daughter-in-law if I should tell the truth as to why I did not attend - if my grandchild asked. She did not want me to tell the truth and said that my granddaughter would not ask. I'm wondering - is my grandchild old enough to know the truth? I have never told her a lie. It bothers me, as I feel I am "protecting" an abuser.

Should I tell these kids the truth (if asked) or should I wait until they are older? I do not want to discuss this with my son.

Wondering GramDEAR GRAM: You won't discuss your abusive marriage with your son - who is a grown man with an intimate stake in this - and yet you would like to discuss this with your 13-year-old granddaughter? I don't think so.

Your granddaughter is never going to say, "So tell me about your marriage, Gram." The details of your abusive marriage are none of her business.

Telling your story will put your grandchildren in a position of choosing between grandparents in order to show their solidarity to you.

It's enough to say, "A very long time ago, your granddad and I had a rough divorce, and I don't always feel comfortable being around him."

The time to disclose any details is when the kids are older and having intimate relationships of their own.

If you want to punish your ex-husband for what he did to you, call a lawyer. If you want to notify someone of how abusive he was, tell his next wife.