Ask Amy: Is it time a meddling mother-in-law moved out?

DEAR AMY: I invited my mother-in-law, then 76, to come live with us 13 years ago. The arrangement has had many benefits: We always had a baby-sitter, and she has had company, regular meals and an almost-free place to live. On the downside, she has subtly and consistently undermined our parenting principles, our sex life is near nothing, and I resent her participation in our lives. Last year, I was diagnosed with cancer. While my treatment has been successful, I am conscious of the preciousness of time, and I want my husband to myself once our son goes off to college in the fall. I feel guilty at the thought of "kicking out" a legally blind (but otherwise fit) senior, especially given her limited financial resources. What can I do?In a Swivet

DEAR SWIVET: You already chose to have your mother-in-law live with you. Unfortunately, this is just how things worked out. If there is an assisted-living facility that you can afford and your mother-in-law would like, consider it.

Otherwise, your own health problems have given you an appreciation for the vagaries of life. Use this perspective to understand and appreciate the truth that life is difficult and that you are in a rough patch. You might be able to reconfigure your home so you all get more privacy. Your local office on aging can help put you in touch with day programs and caregivers.

DEAR AMY: An in-law came for Christmas with her big dog. She didn't ask if this was OK, even though we are allergic to dogs. When we asked her to keep the dog in our fenced yard, she objected and brought the dog inside. This dog has to be watched constantly, as she eats any food she can reach. We want our relative to feel welcome, but we think it's impolite to impose pets. If we say anything, she will get angry. What's the best approach?Wondering Relatives

DEAR WONDERING: In advance of the next visit, tell your in-law, "I know you brought 'Muffin' last time, but it didn't work out for us. If you want to bring her with you, we'll have to keep her outside. We'll help you keep an eye on her, but we can't have her in the house." If this compromise makes your in-law angry, she, not you, will have to figure out how to get over it.