Ask Amy: Mom's health may be behind refusal to cook

DEAR AMY: Is my 68-year-old mother's refusal to cook (even already prepared food) for herself and my father a possible sign of depression? (My mother won't allow my father in the kitchen to do the cooking, either.) They eat out once, sometimes twice, a day - usually at a fast-food joint. A suggestion to subscribe to a delivery service (which I would pay for) was knocked down because "all that stuff is frozen" - as opposed to the fried frozen stuff she eats daily. I'm worried. She's never enjoyed cooking, by the way, but this is extreme. What are your thoughts?Worried

DEAR WORRIED: There are a number of possible reasons for this behavior. Has your mother's eyesight changed so that it is no longer safe for her to navigate in the kitchen? Are all of their appliances in working order? Is there a step or other floor surface in the kitchen that presents a falling hazard? You should assess your parents' home to make sure it is safe for both of them. Your local Office on Aging can send someone to do this basic assessment and make recommendations.

Meals on Wheels is a wonderful resource that provides nutritious prepared food (and daily company) to the homebound elderly. Your parents also might need housekeeping or cooking help.

I agree that this is alarming and unhealthy. Your mother could be suffering from dementia, anxiety or other health problems. Controlling your father to the extent she does isn't good for either of them.

Please do more than suggest they learn to thaw frozen meals and pay them a visit to get to the bottom of this.

DEAR AMY: I was invited to my niece's wedding. I have not had any communication with her in more than 15 years. I have no relationship with her mother (my sister). At this point in my life, I do not wish to rekindle anything with them. Please tell me the best way to handle the wedding shower and wedding invitation. The niece who is getting married is a doctor, so I don't think gifts are the motivator.

Barbara

DEAR BARBARA: You could assume that your niece wants to see you.

She may see her coming wedding as an opportunity to try to bring you back into the family fold.

You don't mention the history here, but you sound very clear on your intentions. If you don't want to participate in these events, all you have to do is send a card (and gift, if you would like) to the couple, saying, "Congratulations on your coming wedding. Thank you for the invitation, but I am unable to attend."