Ask Amy: She's found a 'Dad' she likes better

DEAR AMY: I am a college student. Over the past five years, my relationship with my adopted father has become very strained. We hardly talk, and this is because of how verbally abusive he has been. He's full of anger and will verbally assault anyone, from people on TV to the cat. As a fledgling Buddhist, I understand how bad it is to hold onto my sorrow and anger, and yet all my efforts to discuss the matter with him end in his curt response: "Get over it." Enter "Paul." He is a 51-year-old man who has become close friends with my boyfriend, who is 30. The three of us spend increasing amounts of time together. Paul shares my passion for music and art. He's a great listener and has never raised his voice to me. Based on issues Paul has had with his own father, he presses me to forgive my own - and he also jokes about how I've become his "daughter." When I'm with him, I find that I call him less by his name and more by "Dad." I have no idea how this will turn out, but I wonder if I'm doing the right thing.

--Mixed-up Daughter

DEAR MIXED-UP: You definitely have "daddy" issues.

You can have a relationship with anyone you choose, and if you want to call "Paul" "Dad," and he doesn't mind, then go ahead. But substituting one father with another father figure won't necessarily help you let go of your hurt.

True letting go originates from your releasing anxiety and outrage. Confronting your father and attempting to discuss his behavior make the letting-go process reliant on him - and he doesn't sound reliable or compliant.

One way to do this is for you to confront your own past, realize that you didn't deserve your father's abuse and understand that you may never receive his blessing. Forgiving your father for his flaws and limitations would be a bonus, and therapy (along with your spiritual practice) would help you to get there.