Ask Amy: Sober facts - hold off on marriage

DEAR AMY: I've been with the same woman for almost two years. We're both 37 and have never been married. We've been engaged for four months, and we've been arguing every other day about minor stuff that has been miscommunicated or misinterpreted. When my fiancée has more than a couple of drinks, which is not often (maybe once a month), she ends up wetting the bed. She has alcoholism in her family, but she claims to be fine and doesn't want to attend AA or Al-Anon meetings. We've been seeing a therapist for the last six months, which provides some help, yet we still end up arguing. There are extreme highs and extreme lows in our relationship, but despite promises to cut down or cut out the drinking, she continues to slip, wetting the bed twice since we've been engaged. Our invitations haven't gone out, and I'm rethinking whether getting married to her is the right thing to do.Worried Fiance

DEAR WORRIED: Your problems aren't likely to recede once you get married - in fact, marriage (and parenthood) will stretch and strain your relationship.

Don't get married until you are sure you two can rise to life's challenges and tackle them together. Your fiancée's drinking is a problem for you, and while you have pressured her to attend 12-step meetings, you don't say you have attended any yourself. Al-Anon would be helpful to you. Fellowship with other people whose lives are affected by a loved one's drinking will help you to get in touch with your own experience and reactions. Check

al-anon.alateen.org for a local meeting.

Your fiancée should see her physician about her bed-wetting; I cannot imagine that this doesn't bother her, and it obviously has a negative impact on you.

DEAR AMY: I go out to eat with my cousin once a month, and we take turns picking up the check. When it is her turn to pay, she slides a religious pamphlet in with the payment, advising the waiter or waitress about what (according to her religious beliefs) it takes to be "saved." I find this proselytizing offensive and feel that it reflects on both of us, since she is paying for my meal. It seems wrong to subject the waiter to a religious reading just to receive payment. Any thoughts before our next outing? It's her turn to pay.

Offended

DEAR OFFENDED: If these pamphlets offend you, then you shouldn't read them. They might not offend a waiter. You don't mention talking about this, but it sounds like an ideal topic for you two cousins to discuss.