Ask Amy: Stickler for etiquette needs new perspective

DEAR AMY: How do I convey a simple lesson about manners to "Jim," my adult son? Our relationship, though good, is sometimes tenuous. He lives far away - with a wonderful woman. His sisters live close to me and are considerate and kind. When I recently had surgery, I did not tell Jim until after the fact, because I realized there was nothing he could do and I didn't want to cause him needless worry. I sent an e-mail afterward, saying I'd had an operation and was doing well. I expected a return e-mail saying something like, "Wow, surprising news; hope you continue your recovery." After a week of no word, I e-mailed again, asking if he got the first message. He wrote back that he had, and then he expressed good wishes. I am appalled at his insensitivity. (I bet he didn't share that first e-mail with his lady; she would have responded immediately!) How can I get across to him that simple manners dictate a prompt and appropriate response? I am a stickler for etiquette, but it's more than that - it's showing you care. Recovering

DEAR RECOVERING: I suggest an alternative way to look at this. Imagine, if you will, that you received an e-mail from your son letting you know that he'd had surgery - after the fact. You would feel alienated. You might feel he didn't trust you with important news.

After you think about this, I hope you'll consider speaking with your son - not to admonish him on his bad manners, but to ask him if he feels you did the right thing not telling him about your surgery beforehand.

Your son is an adult. He has a right to know if you are facing a serious health issue - certainly if you chose to tell his sisters. You should trust him to manage his own concern.

DEAR AMY: I am a professional artist writing to comment about people expecting free art. I often have requests to do work for free or at a discount in exchange for exposure. Rarely do these deals pan out - the few people who are referred to me usually expect a steep "friend-of-a-friend" discount and decide not to hire me once they hear my prices. Plus, my landlord has stopped accepting "exposure" as rent.An Artist

DEAR ARTIST: Great comeback!