Asking the clergy: Why is it hard to forgive those who wrong us?

Rabbi Steven Conn, Plainview Jewish Center:

Personally and professionally, I have witnessed firsthand the tremendous power we human beings hold to help or to hurt one another. I have seen people hurt by those closest to them, by those to whom they have freely given their love and trust. I have seen people hurt by random acts of violence by complete strangers. When we are hurt so deeply, we often carry the pain with us long after the fact; like a wound that heals but leaves a scar. When we carry this pain, it's hard to forgive. And it may not even be appropriate. Forgiveness, in Jewish tradition, is earned by repentance and restitution. We have no obligation to forgive someone who has not attempted to right the wrong. We do, however, have an obligation to ourselves to heal. We need to turn inward, to turn toward God and to our support systems to make sense of our experience and find within it the motivation to move forward. As a part of this healing process, even if we cannot forgive, we need to find a way to live in peace with those who have wronged us.

Heide Banks, The Movement of Spiritual Inner-Awareness, Wainscott:

Forgiveness is not about the other person, it is about ourselves. Until we are willing to look at a situation and have compassion toward ourselves and others, it's nearly impossible to enter into forgiveness. When something happens - a spouse cheats on us, our child lies to us or we are fired unreasonably - that static keeps us from stepping back to find understanding. If you allow yourself to honestly look at situations, how you were "wronged," you might just say "I wasn't really happy in my marriage"; "of course, my child lied, he knew I couldn't bear to hear the truth without reacting"; or "that job was just paying the rent, now I can really find what I love." It takes tremendous courage to look at our lives this way, rather than allowing our minds and emotions to turn us into judges and grudges. You can't forgive another person until you deal with yourself. These situations give us opportunities to develop compassion. Part of the reason we don't forgive is we're afraid we're going to get hurt all over again. Sometimes, you need a temporary boundary around forgiveness. At some point, the freedom to live life fully will require you to let go and enter into forgiveness. Forgiveness is more than just an empty statement, it is a process. It starts with being honest with yourself. Begin to trust yourself again so you can take care of yourself and love yourself. no matter what happens. As you do, the doors to forgiveness will begin to open. And, by all means, ask for spiritual assistance to get you all the way there.

Pastor Gary Stevens, New Beginnings Christian Center, Coram:

It can be difficult to forgive someone who has wronged us because many times, we shield the pain and hurt from the violation brought upon us. Sometimes, these hurts or wrongs are from people who are very close to us. Betrayal and offenses are a part of life. The closer the relationship, the deeper the wound and the harder it is to forgive. At times, we can shield the pain and put up walls because we don't want to be hurt again. Forgiveness is one of the most critical of spiritual graces. Even as God is willing to forgive us, we must also be willing to forgive those who trespass against us. When we realize that true freedom will come from releasing and forgiving those who wrong us, it will be easy to forgive. Forgiveness and love must be a part of our spiritual arsenal on a daily basis.

Pastor Jerry Bonfiglio, Patchogue Church of the Nazarene:

Forgiveness is not easy. Our natural inclination is to "get even," and we misinterpret forgiveness to mean that the hurt caused us doesn't matter. However, forgiveness means that although what was done to us was wrong, we choose to not hold it against them. We choose not to retaliate or even to hold bitterness in our heart. Bitterness only hurts the one who is bitter. Forgiveness is even more. It's loving the one who hurt us by choosing to do good to them whether we feel like it or not. Jesus taught us to treat others the same way we would want to be treated. Again, this is not our natural inclination and why we need the Spirit of God to do the will of God. How can we expect God to forgive us if we will not forgive others? He won't. "Our Father . . . forgive us our sins as we have forgiven those who sin against us . . ."