Can grandfolks handle his dire diagnosis?

DEAR AMY: My son, who is in his early 30s, has been diagnosed with amyotrophic lateral sclerosis (ALS), a terminal illness. Many people know about his illness, but my parents do not know. They can see that he is not well since his body is losing many functions. My parents observe these symptoms. Now that we have a definite diagnosis, we worry about informing them. They've asked me if he will ever get better, but I didn't give them a yes-or-no answer. My parents are in their 80s, and although very mentally "with it," their physical health is not great. They get upset easily and take bad information very hard. Recently, my mother landed in the hospital with an anxiety attack. They also are not easy to fool. They suspect people try to keep bad news from them and are very alert to all that happens around them. I think we should relate the unfortunate diagnosis. Others in the family believe that, by informing them of a terminal diagnosis, we are taking away any hope from them. I also am concerned that someday someone may slip or my parents may find out on their own, so I feel that it is best to tell them. Should we just proceed as we have been, or should we tell them -- and if so, how?Sad Mother

DEAR SAD: My thoughts are with you and your son. You don't say what he wants to do, but you should do what is best for him -- and for you. If your son tells you he doesn't have the strength to deal with his grandparents' stress, then absolutely shield him from it.

However, I believe most people are able to adjust to a tough outcome if they know the truth but also have a positive function to perform. In your case, you might say, "Steve has ALS. He is heading down a very challenging road because this is a progressive disease. He'll do best if he has our love and support and a positive attitude. Can you help by accepting this, not worrying too much and cheering him on?"